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Choose To be Courageous, No Matter What You’re Facing.

 

You have the ability to choose to be courageous by facing your reality and accepting what’s happening in your life right now for exactly what it is.
You are pregnant and alone, wishing things were any different won’t help.
You have got to let go of what you’ve been longing for regarding the father’s attitude towards your pregnancy and the baby.

It’s time to wise up and be brave!
Have you been afraid of telling your family about your situation?
It’s time to confide in them. It might be a shock for them but being honest will help you to not feel so alone.

Trust in God, The Most High, to watch over you and guide you each and every step of the way. Choose trust instead of worry, choose strength over weakness, choose hope over fear, and always pay attention your instincts.

Start focusing on what you can control and be realistic about the things you can actually influence in your life.
For example, you might be hoping your baby’s father will apologetically return, but can you make that happen? No, you can’t.
I’m not saying to give up all hope on him, but just be realistic, it’s unlikely!

Your baby’s father might be angry, disappointed, scared, etc. About having a baby, but that’s how he has chosen to feel, don’t allow his feelings to take hold and control yours too.
Even if he’s unhappy about the baby, you can choose to be happy and if he’s angry and has abandoned you, you can choose to be strong, wise, courageous and raise your baby alone.

Stay Strong,
Kandy x

 

 

Will Time Change An Absent Father’s Mind?

This is almost like a trick question…
A lot can happen in time, but so can nothing if changes aren’t made.
When a man either rejects his child or denies being the father and won’t co-operate or refuses to come to a compromise with the mother in order to sort things out, sometimes the situation ends up in the hands of time being able to change things when he won’t.

The more time that goes by the more you will feel that the father of your baby will never change his mind about not wanting to be involved.
You naturally lose all hope after a while and will most likely change your mind in anger about ever wanting him involved in the future before he changes his.
An absent father changing his mind in time can happen in many different ways and unfortunately sometimes some of these ways are not in the best interest of the child.
For example, a man can return to a child he abandoned from birth or as a baby after years of being absent simply because nothing else in his life has worked out right for him, such as he hasn’t been able to have other children, his new girlfriend won’t move forward with him having a ‘deadbeat dad’ title, medical or financial reasons, etc.
In the above examples time has not changed the man’s mind about genuinely wanting to be a father, but rather his circumstances have forced him to.

A man can also return to a child he abandoned from birth or left as a baby after years of being absent because he has matured, feels differently, ashamed, guilty, wants to be there for his son or daughter and support the mother, is curious and interested in his child’s development and progress, wants to help, etc. This is the man who sounds like he has genuinely changed his mind over time and is ready to face his responsibilities as a father.
But he will have to prove that he has changed and that will take, you guessed it… time.

Time Changes Everything, Except People If They Don’t Change.

 

Stay Strong!

Kandy x

Can’t Face The Music?

It’s hard enough listening to music after a break up, let alone when you’ve been dumped pregnant and are feeling fully emotional and hormonal.

Music can bring back fond memories of your ex that you just can’t deal with yet, or hearing songs that meant something to you both, which creates an irreplaceable feeling- associated with only him.

Sometimes music (especially for music lovers) helps to heal a broken heart, but you have got to know what to play and most importantly WHEN! Choose to listen to music that will support you and give you a positive boost instead of making you break down in tears or feel angry.
It was during both my pregnancies I discovered new songs that gave me strength as well as old ones that I had heard before, but because of my situation it was as if I was hearing the song with a fresh pair of ears and suddenly it had a whole new meaning.
Mariah Carey has always been my favourite singer, and I have not had an easy past so songs like ‘Through The Rain’ ‘Make It Happen’ and ‘They Can’t Take That Away’
I’ve practically been singing since I was a teen. The Chantay Savage version of ‘I will Survive’ got played in my house every single day during both my pregnancies, it made me feel like I wasn’t the only hurt woman out in the world, but somehow I still felt as if the song had been written especially for me. A few other songs to name were ‘Not Gon Cry’ by Mary J Blige, ‘Survivor’ by Destiny’s Child…
Most of the songs I listened to which I found empowering and helpful were from the 90’s.
These songs gave me strength, encouragement, and motivation more than anyone else could during the times when I felt completely lost, and in so much emotional pain I just couldn’t find the words to express how I was feeling to anybody. But the songs lyrics brought me to a much better understanding by myself. How I love GOOD music!
I also had my moments when I listened to songs that weren’t so helpful which I won’t name, but what I will let you know is that they stirred up a big tornado inside of me, resulting in me doing one of the things that I advise you should never do- seek revenge.
Listening to certain songs can leave you feeling like you need to defend yourself.
A lot of women listen to sad songs when they are heartbroken, it would be silly to expect or force someone to listen to happy songs when they don’t feel happy at all, but sometimes we just need to allow the right music, played at the right time to sway our emotions and overwhelm us.
Music can be a tool for positive motivation, helping you deal with things, making you feel more upbeat and connected.

One day you will listen to those songs that came with all those memories and be able to smile.

Stay strong!

Kandy xx

Abandoned Pregnant By A Bad Guy

 

It was fun, everything was carefree until you fell pregnant and he vanished so quickly you’re left questioning if he actually even existed or if he was just a figment of your imagination.

The bad boy… He made you feel safe, you loved his whole ‘I don’t give a f’ attitude, his energetic vibe, his ‘live in the moment’ hyped lifestyle and the excitement and attention that came with it.
I’m guessing he’s cheated on you before, and he’s lied to you and you have forgiven him over and over again, believing that one day he would eventually get it all out of his system.
You probably also made sacrifices to be with him and lost respect from friends and family members who saw right through him and the company he kept.
This is often the case when women get with bad boys.

But to get left pregnant by one is a totally different story…

These types of guys really don’t care, in fact there are some who actually enjoy it and get a kick out of knowing there is a pregnant woman out there fully hurt, heartbroken and in pieces all because of them!
The bad boy’s ego gets bigger when the woman he has abandoned pregnant begs him to be in her life. He may even interact with her, building her up and leading her on with false hope, excitedly waiting to see her desperate reaction when he drops her once more looking forward to her pleading, thinking of more ways he can get her to do whatever he likes.
He feels in control and he is, but for her- it’s suddenly no longer about getting him to accept the baby but back to pleasing him and hoping he is happy enough to now want to be a father- she’s just happy she’s no longer being ignored by him, even though he doesn’t mention the baby which is a RED FLAG that he is more than likely just using her which isn’t nice to think about, but if he is capable of leaving her pregnant he is capable of using her too as the mother of his child, even if he doesn’t want to be a father or says that he isn’t; when he knows that he IS, he also knows that the mother of his child has a soft spot for him, and he will use it to get her to do stuff and be able to have things HIS way.
Most bad boys who abandon their pregnant exes aren’t afraid to show that they’ve moved on, they are not scared of flaunting other women, getting other women pregnant, cutting all ties, changing numbers, walking straight past mother and baby in the street, humiliating the mother of his child, etc.
The sad, truthful thing is when we chose bad boys, we know they are bad and what they are capable of, yet somehow we feel like they would never treat us that way.
But if bad boys treat themselves badly, how can we as women expect them to behave for their children?
We need to see ‘bad boys’ for what they really are, they are BAD for everyone, for women, children and society, especially if they’re violent.
If you are pregnant by a bad boy who doesn’t want to be a father then try to see things differently, it could have been much worse if he stayed around. I know you feel sad that your baby won’t have his or her dad in their life but isn’t that better than them possibly ending up damaged by his presence?

Stay strong,

Kandy xx

Is It Okay To Leave The Door Open For An Absent & Reluctant Father?

Do you shut him out forever and just get on with it after he has made his choice to leave and not be involved in your pregnancy or his child’s life? Or do you get on with it while you hope and wait for him to come to his senses?

However, you can’t hold open a closed door can you?

Many single pregnant women who have been abandoned by their baby’s fathers during pregnancy are left holding the doors open for these run away men way too long after nine months, I know because I used to be one of those women.
When you leave the door open for a reluctant, absent father, you are setting yourself up for more disappointment because it means a part of you still has expectations.
Although it’s very easy to say, “I’m getting on with my life and if he wants to know his child my door is always open” the reality of that decision is very different. You go through days, weeks, months, years holding that same door open and you get upset that he doesn’t want to walk through it, in fact you feel he should be running through it! Your arm eventually gets tired of holding the door open and it’s become such a habit you don’t even realise that you’ve missed opportunities that open new doors. Doors which you will not have to hold open for anyone else because they open for only you.

When it comes to dealing with an absent father you need to close the door and lock it… wait for him to knock and ask to enter. If he is genuine and sincere he will do his best to unlock and open the door, no matter how long it takes. Sadly, some of these types of men never man up, that’s why it’s important women in this situation do not put their hopes on future reconciliations (which can take place years and years later) with their exes and shut that door instead!
Eventually, if he finds his way back then great but until then don’t waste any more time and
don’t be afraid to move on to much better! Go out there and love people who will love you right back at this present moment in time. Think about YOU, what you want and what you need.
SHUT THAT DOOR AND LOCK IT!

Stay strong ladies,

Kandy xx

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My New Book

 

I have a brand new book coming out on August 12th 2017- my birthday!
The book is called “From Ghetto Mess To Professional Success” it’s all about me, the chaotic lifestyle I once lived in the past and details the many struggles and challenges I have faced, things I never imagined could happen to me or thought I’d ever be able to overcome.
My life goes a lot deeper than what I have shared in my previous books and on social media, but this year I am ready to share some more of my story.

My whole story is more than just one book.
I felt ready and thought it was important and about time I opened up about a lot of my personal experiences which I am certain will benefit, help and encourage other women who are either going through, or have been through similar difficulties and will be able to find my book very relatable.
I hope ‘From Ghetto Mess To Professional Success’ inspires other women out in the world who would like to change their lives for the better.

Kandy x

 

Dear Single Pregnant Women

Hey ladies,

I hope you are all doing well and your pregnancies are progressing healthily and happily.
I know you’ve been down a long road or it might only just be the beginning for you, but I wanted to give a few words of encouragement to keep you strong during this difficult time.
Each woman’s situation being of abandoned pregnant has its own set of circumstances, for example one man may be denying being the father of his baby, while another might choose to simply be a deadbeat dad without having an excuse.
Regardless of the circumstance, the outcome still results in a heartbroken pregnant woman who wanted nothing more than to share the joy and experience of bringing her baby into the world with the man she created it with by her side whether the pregnancy was unplanned or not.
Every time you step out of the front door all of a sudden more than half the women you see around you are pregnant too and they’re all coupled up with their partners, both looking happy and the mother to be glowing with a facial expression you wish you were able to make just even for five minutes. You try to get on with your day but no matter how hard you try every ten minutes your brain reminds you that something huge is wrong, you’re having a baby with no father around! You go into panic mode and question your capability ‘How will I manage? Who will I turn to? What I am going to do about my child’s feelings growing up without and not knowing his or her father? What are people thinking and saying about me? Is my baby’s father seeing another woman? How could he do this to me?’ I could go on.
Don’t drive yourself into depression by over thinking, especially about things that haven’t happened yet!
Whenever you feel like you just can’t understand why life has done this to you, try not to question life itself but question yourself instead over what you are going to do about what is happening in your life. Don’t put pressure on yourself either, because the answers don’t come straight away most of the time.
I know it really hurts when a man whose baby you are carrying stops caring about you, stops speaking to you, and basically starts ignoring your existence at all costs because he doesn’t want his own baby.
Suffering like this will take a while to get over but you can do it! Gracefully too!
There is no need to think to yourself let me just hang around to see if one day he will change his mind, you can’t risk wasting any time or putting any part of your life on hold waiting for that day to come and you have to remember that it might not.
It’s sad to hear but so many women put their lives on hold after having a baby for a man who abandoned them during their pregnancies in the hope he will return and can then become a family without any issues, unfortunately these women continue to consider and respect the feelings of a man who hasn’t got an ounce of love for them. Don’t let this happen to you, I say this from experience. Crack down on your feelings towards the father of your child while you are pregnant, be honest with yourself about the place he has shown you where you belong in his life; which seems to be nowhere. No matter how painful the truth may be, face it so it is easier for you to move on from him, not to move on to loving another man, but to move on to finally loving yourself.

I wish you all the very best. Stay strong!

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WHY ‘ABANDONED PREGNANT’ WOMEN ARE ANGRY…

The first obvious reason being that she never expected to
ever end up in this drama.
I mean which pregnant woman does? Unless she planned it and that’s a whole other subject.
But honestly, a woman who is preparing to not only have a baby, but also become a single mother has plenty to be angry about if she has been abandoned by the father of her child; not just because she didn’t get pregnant by herself, but due to the fact that she has other things worrying her that come as a result of his actions.
For example, if he claims he isn’t the father, it suggests to others or could start rumours that she was sleeping around so of course she is going to be angry if she wasn’t, and he knows it too but doesn’t care about how it makes her look just as long as he gets out of his responsibilities as looking clean as he possibly can.
She has to deal with him not caring, and that hurts especially when he shows her that he is capable of helping others knowing fully well that she could do with his help too, more importantly than anyone else in his life at this time.
She is angry that she has put a part of this man first in her life and he has removed her from his, she is angry that he doesn’t think about what will happen to their baby if anything happens to her, she is angry that he doesn’t consider what his baby needs to have a positive start in life, she is angry that he spends his money at pubs, clubs, on other women, friends, etc. But is yet to attend a scan, ask how her pregnancy is going, buy a pack of nappies or a baby grow, or just do something, anything.
She is angry that she has to carry her shopping home alone without his help, angry she can’t call him to massage her back when it aches, angry she can not rely on him for anything but he could always rely on her, you can bet she was always there for him.
She thinks to herself ‘what did I do to deserve this?’ And then she’s angry again because she knows she did nothing wrong, after over thinking some more she’s enraged because she did do something wrong; she knew he was the wrong man for her, she didn’t protect herself, and she didn’t trust her instincts about him and she’s angry with herself for giving him her all too soon, without knowing what he was capable of.
But the truth is, nobody really knows what anybody is capable of, so it makes no sense now to go over and over any bad choices made at this point.
This is where the anger comes from, not the fact that you’ve actually been abandoned pregnant.
Being abandoned pregnant is heartbreaking, it’s sad, but the reality of those feelings don’t really kick in until the baby arrives, it’s those moments when you are staring at sweet, innocent he or she and think to yourself ‘look at my adorable baby who’s father doesn’t want to know’ and that is where the devastation comes from.
The reason you’re angry is because you’re thinking about the way you’ve been treated by the father of your child and that is understandable, but do you really want to miss out on making the most of what could be a happy pregnancy?
Always remember that you are still you without the father of your child, you are not missing anything you need to make yourself happy, when he abandoned you he didn’t take any part of you with him, he walked away from the part of him that is now left in you and will be with you forever.
I can relate to the angry emotions women go through in these situations from my own past similar experiences, I remember being full of rage and feeling so rejected I used to wish all sorts of bad things would happen to the fathers of my two children who abandoned me pregnant.
Now I realise how unhealthy and toxic that attitude was towards my circumstances, it didn’t help me it turned me into bitter and resentful woman.
I’m not saying you aren’t allowed to be angry, but don’t hold onto anger for more time than it’s worth! You risk missing out on doing so many enjoyable things not just during your pregnancy but during your whole life in general without even realising it’s because you’ve been stuck on being angry!
I know it’s hard, but don’t let your own anger that you created and control eat you up.
DESTROY IT!

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Abandoned Pregnant By A Player

When a woman falls pregnant for a player who has abandoned her because he doesn’t want a baby, (feeling it will ruin his womanising ways and lifestyle) she faces an emotional rollercoaster ahead. A player will not stop seeing other women because one woman is having his baby- especially if he isn’t happy about it- in fact he is more likely to see other women during this time to help distract himself and use them to forget about the one he’s abandoned pregnant.

A man who has an issue in staying faithful to one woman also has the issue of staying faithful to himself in the process, he may feel that he can’t trust himself to be a loyal man to any woman let alone a father to any child, and might think that the pregnant woman is trying to trap him into a situation where he will always have to come back to her because she has someone priceless and special that belongs to him. The thought of this woman who he never had any plans of making any commitment to now becoming the mother of his child and having any sort of ‘hold’ or long term expectation over him scares him, including what his other player friends will think, he doesn’t want to be laughed at, mocked, roasted, and made fun of for his ‘mistake’ as in this game a players ego is everything and for some of these types of men getting a woman pregnant and doing a runner or denying being the father is all a part of it.

Unfortunately there isn’t anything you can do about this man other than to allow the child maintenance to run after him for child support, but you can do everything about your own circumstances in your power to make sure that you get through this without him since it was his choice not to be around. When dealing with a player in this situation this may be the best way as it eliminates any unwanted drama between not just the two of you but also any other women who may be in his life and cause you unnecessary frustrations by getting involved in what doesn’t concern them. The biggest fear your player baby’s father has right now is that you and the baby will change everything, he fears being with you both as you represent and become everything he didn’t want and has been trying to avoid -feelings/love/routing/stability/a family- which is why he chose to be a player, because he doesn’t want that, but just because a man doesn’t want to be in a relationship with the mother of his child it doesn’t mean he couldn’t be a supportive dad.
But it’s not for you to dwell on what he doesn’t want, you have chosen to keep your baby which is what you want and if your baby’s father has decided to put his own selfish wants and the needs of other women before his own child then leave him to it. I know it’s difficult, especially when you are very aware that he is with other women and taking them out on dates when he isn’t even interested in attending his baby’s scan, it feels just awful, you think about him buying these women dinner and drinks without bating an eyelid of concern over what his baby on the way might need, you wonder how can he care about these other women and not you or his baby, you both don’t deserve to be treated like that.
There are so many things a pregnant woman in this situation could spend a lot of time wasting thinking about that does nothing for her apart from leave her even more heartbroken, in tears, or bitter and raging that the father of her baby is out there living his life happily with other women while not giving her a second thought. It’s best a woman is harshly honest with herself in these situations in order to move on and heal from this hurt as quickly as possible and it’s more than likely that she knew the type of man he was, but never expected him to treat her like that.
If you have been abandoned pregnant by a player please understand that you can not change his behaviour and there is no point in trying an answer for it, but what you can do is look forward to your future with your baby! As hard as it is always try to maintain your dignity when it comes to finding out about other women and avoid behaving in a childish and spiteful way.
Remember, I’m always here if you need to talk!

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Kandy Dolor is the author and founder of KandyCares self-help books for women and dedicated her time to supporting women and teenage girls who are going through pregnancy alone- without support from the father.

“He Wants Her Baby But Not Mine” When He Gets Two Women Pregnant At The Same Time

When a man gets two women pregnant at the same time, and chooses to claim responsibility of one child but not the other it is extremely hurtful for the mother on the receiving end of rejection. She not only feels the pain of having her unborn baby rejected by the father, but also the anger of knowing there is another woman who is totally aware of her pain and could have also easily been in her shoes yet chooses to ignore what’s happening because it doesn’t affect her situation.

I know it’s very easy to want to confront the other pregnant woman about her actions or decision to stick by him, but don’t. This woman doesn’t know you, but she knows him (well enough to be pregnant by him) and she more than likely will listen to and go by the information given to her directly from him, and who knows what he’s telling her about you. This is an extremely emotional situation mixed up in high level hormones, all it takes is one wrong word and things could get out of control especially when it comes to defending yourself. The other pregnant woman and her unborn baby has nothing to do with you, that’s all on him. Just like you and your own baby have nothing to do with the other pregnant woman.
This is all his mess and although sometimes there are circumstances where the two pregnant women can come together, if he is rejecting you and your baby then there really is no point in meeting up with the woman he isn’t rejecting because all she will do is talk about him, making you feel that your baby’s father thought the woman sitting right in front of you was of more worth to him than you and your baby, or prettier than you, more intelligent than you, etc. Don’t do it to yourself. There really is no reason for it.
Wanting to rage at your baby’s father is completely understandable too, but don’t do that either because it will only make him feel as if he made the right choice by choosing the other woman.
Yep, a catch 22 situation where the only thing you can do right by yourself in this predicament is to walk away and move on. It’s hard. Part of you may feel like you’ve lost out to another woman, or like your baby’s father looks down on you and respects the other pregnant woman more and finding her suitable of being the mother of his child he wants to be around and not you. Even if he has made you feel this way you need to understand this is his confusion not yours, the way he is treating you is disgusting and one day he will have to answer to the child he did chose to stick around and raise about where his or her new brother or sister has magically appeared from down the line and why they weren’t around.
There is always a bigger picture in the future that no deadbeat dad thinks about while they are caught up in the moment of running away because they don’t care, they just want to escape the responsibility of their children they may refer to as a ‘trap’.
Men who do things like get two women pregnant and blatantly abandon one honestly can’t expect there to be no repercussions down the line or do so with their reputation as a man still in tact. The types of men who treat pregnant women in such ways have no idea how distraught their actions make these women feel, how depressed, angry, broken-hearted, and unhappy they really are. How they barely eat, sleep and focus on anything other than the pain of their rejection and thoughts of the other pregnant woman getting all the support she isn’t.
I want you to not obsess over their relationship, or why he chose to be with her and their baby instead of you and your baby with him, don’t get caught standing still in the why’s when they are both moving on.  Some men will use not wanting a specific woman to be the mother of their child as an excuse to not have a relationship with that innocent child which is ridiculous! Any woman going through this needs to understand that any man who is choosing to become a father to only one of his children and not the other is NOT about you or who you are as a woman and everything about HIM and who he is.  Don’t put yourself at the centre of his decision. Ultimately, there is no absolute answer and nothing to gain to the question of “Why her and not me?” It’s a waste of time questioning his choices and I think that closure is something us women will never win at with men, but what you could ask yourself very honestly is why you are pining for a man who doesn’t love me respect or want you.
Let him be HER problem now!