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Hi Kandy,

This is my situation..
He was mad about me and I was crazy about him, until I told him I was pregnant. He walked out of my house without saying anything and didn’t come back, he won’t answer my calls or return them.
I turned up to his house last week, I heard music playing and he didn’t open the door when I knocked but five minutes after I’d walked off he texted me for the first time in six months. The message said “come back” so I did, I was happy because I thought he wanted to see me, but when I got back to his doorstep there was a box with my things I’d left at his house inside.
I am eight months pregnant, he knows this because I text him all the time about how far gone I am and how much I miss him and wish he’d just reconsider. I can’t believe he expected me to carry that heavy box, that hurt me more than anything because now I know that he really doesn’t care about me. I know a lot of people will say well he can’t care about you if he left you pregnant, but a lot of me was putting his behaviour down to maybe being scared. Clearly, he isn’t and wants me out of his life. It hurts, he’s made me feel like I am nothing and I still want him back.

From Had Enough

Hey Had Enough,

First of all, it goes without saying that this man is a complete idiot!
You need to accept that he is not who you thought he was.
Sometimes, after seeing how someone behaves during a crisis we need to reassess our thoughts and feelings about them.
I can not imagine how much it must have hurt to see your belongings in that box on the doorstep after receiving that text and I understand how sad and lonely you must feel without him being there for support.
Getting through some days with the weight of a broken heart is absolutely horrid, but it will get better if you make it better!
You need to immediately line up your support system, because it’s clear you will not be getting that from him for now and you will need it!
Your focus must be on you and your baby! Surround yourself with those people who do care about you, they will either help you forget his existence or tell you how much of a fool he is, either way they will help your pain become less.
If he one day gets a guilty conscience and decides he’d like to be involved in his child’s life then leave that down to him, but in your circumstances I advise that you DO NOT set yourself up for further heartache again by calling him, texting him or going to his house.
Last but not at all least, right now you might feel as though you’re nothing but that’s because he has made you feel that way- you’re being conned!
He is the worst kind of fraud, he has stolen your worth.
He has made you feel like you are not who you really are and only he knows the real you! Take back your worth!
Don’t try to convince him of anything!
You are someone and you were someone all along!
Your baby needs a happy and confident mother!
Happy Mum, Happy Baby!

Stay strong,
Kandy x

 

Hi Kandy,

I’m two months pregnant and I’ve been waiting for my ex boyfriend who recently abandoned me and is the father of my baby, to come back for three weeks now.

He left me because he didn’t want a baby.                               I am in bits here. The pain I am feeling is like it will never end and gets stronger each day.

I can’t believe he has actually gone and left me like this, I can’t believe that he doesn’t care. The last time I heard from him was via text two weeks ago, he said that if I have an abortion he will come back, he said he’d support me thorough out the whole thing just not a pregnancy. I think that is so evil of him but I feel like I have no choice, deep down I want to keep our baby because I love him and to be honest I feel like I want a part of him in my life forever, but not if he’s not in it.

Sometimes I feel like texting him that I will have an abortion part of me really feels like I will do it at the time because I just want him back, the other part of me feels like if I tell him that then it gives me a chance to see him and try to talk him around again. But I also sometimes wonder if he is just trying to scare me by leaving and push me into having an abortion that way. If I hold out long enough until when I can’t have an abortion then he could just accept it even if he is mad at me.

I don’t know what I should do.

Desperate One

 

Hello Desperate One,

The first thing I want to you to understand is that this is not a game for you, even if he is playing one- in the end he will lose because he is basically playing himself by himself. You need to stop thinking and worrying about what he could or couldn’t be plotting and start planning your own course of action. Your whole letter to me is more or less solely about what he wants, want you want to do because of his behaviour and how you feel based on his actions. This is your life and you need to make it about you not him!

You have a big decision to make, are you going to go ahead with your pregnancy or not? This is obviously the first thing you must decide for yourself without his input, especially since he left you. You must not give in to whatever he wants because you are the one who has to live with either your child as a single mother or the regret of not becoming one. It is your life who will be effected the most no matter what you choose, that’s why it’s so important that you do not do what you don’t want to! If you are considering keeping the baby to try to keep him around or terminating the pregnancy because of your ‘love’ for this man, you need to understand that there is a huge possibility your ex might not come back once he realises you are serious about going ahead. There is also a chance he still turns around and leaves you anyway after you have an abortion. Don’t put yourself in a position where you’re no longer in control of what happens to you in your own life.

You get to decide, there is always a choice!

Stay Strong!

Kandy

 

Hi Kandy,

I am six months pregnant with my first baby.
The father- who was my ex of five years and lived with me- told me he did not want the baby since the day I told him I was pregnant, when he realized I was keeping it he left me saying “Good luck with that!”
He told me that he will deny our baby until his grave.
I can’t sleep at nights. I hate him and I wish he would die, I really do.
How can I stop feeling like this since it’s unlikely he won’t drop dead?

Anon

 

Hi there,

First of all, I know you’re angry especially with the fact that your ex is denying his paternity and has claimed he will continue to do so until his grave.
But you must be calm and use your common sense in this situation, you say he was your ex of five years who lived with you? He looks pretty stupid alleging to not be the father and could well just be saying this to upset you, although some men are prepared to live in denial by making up their own lies and then believing them. It’s truly amazing the many different sides of ‘men’ women get to see whenever an unplanned pregnancy and an immature ‘man’ is involved.
Deep down you know just as well as he does that he is your baby’s father, it sounds like he is scared of and does not want the responsibility of raising a child, especially with comments such as “good luck with that!”
He clearly doesn’t think he can cope.

You don’t really hate him and you don’t wish he would die, your just angry with him because you still have feelings for him even though he’s abandoned you pregnant. It’s important that you no longer allow these negative emotions to keep you awake at nights, you need your rest! Try drinking warm milk before bed, reading works excellently, make sure you are comfortable!
If you don’t have memory foam/pregnancy pillows get some!

The steps you can take to stop feeling so angry is by focusing on yourself, whenever he comes into your head repeat “I focus on myself” over and over until you are actually focused on whatever it was you were doing before those thoughts creeped in. Find a NEW hobby, allow your friends to distract you, join my online workshop via Skype an hour a day for emotional support and encouragement.
Hate is a waste of energy and will only attract more hate in return,
you are carrying love inside of you, and like it or not that love is half him, it’s the BEST part of him and you will love that part of him forever.

If you need anymore advice or support in going forward please contact me to enquire about my online workshop.

Stay strong!
Kandy